Discovery and Diagnosis

This post is long and detailed. While some of the memories of my cancer treatment have been fleeting and lost, the week surrounding the discovery and diagnosis is still so clear, perhaps permanently ingrained on my brain.

Summer 2010 was winding down like any other, with preparations to send the kids back to school nearly finished and my family enjoying the last few days of freedom. On Tuesday, August 24, less than 1 week before school was to begin, I noticed that the right side of my right breast felt hard and firm. My breasts usually became swollen and tender around my menstrual cycle, but this seemed a little different. And my period was not due for a couple of weeks. I mentioned it to my husband Michael, and then thought if it didn’t get better I should probably make an appointment with my OBGYN soon to have it checked out. The next morning after showering, I was standing in front of the mirror putting on deodorant. I happened to glance in the mirror and noticed that my right breast appeared mis-shapen and there was a pucker at the bottom of my right breast. Honestly, it scared me right away. How long has that been there? Was I that unaware of my body to not notice this change? When had I performed my last self-exam? I immediately called my OBGYN’s office and she was able to see me in later that morning. My next call was to my friend Ashley to see if she could take my kids while I went to the doctor. I had started to panic a little, but didn’t want to freak out until I knew it was really time to freak out. Trying to rationally think things through, I thought it was probably just a cyst. I hoped it was only a cyst.

I went to my appointment just before lunch, confidently knowing hat my trusted OBGYN would know what to do. Even though I heard her say “I don’t like how this looks” and that she wanted me to go have a mammogram, I still felt pretty confident that I was fine. She never panicked and she never said the word “cancer.” The breast center could see me later that afternoon, so I left the hospital and went to Chipotle and had lunch in my car. I called my mom to tell her about what I had found, and that I was on my way to have a mammogram to find out what it was. I was calm and reassured her that I thought it was nothing, but that I would call her when I found out more.

I had never had a mammogram before (I was only 34) and had no idea what to expect. It was pretty easy and not as nearly as uncomfortable as thought it would be. Once the mammogram was complete, they told me they wanted to do an ultrasound as well. Assuming this was normal, I agreed and went into the room with the ultrasound tech. The tech spent a good amount of time quietly searching around my right breast – near the pucker in the bottom, the firm outside edge and my armpit. When she was finished, she left and returned with the radiologist. I knew then that what they found wasn’t good. The radiologist told me they found 3 masses (2 in my breast, one in my armpit, or axilla), that they looked suspicious, and they wanted to do a biopsy as soon as possible. I got dressed, scheduled the biopsy for the following day and went right to my car. The tears came then. I knew this was no longer a cyst, and that more than likely I had breast cancer.

I called Ashley first. I remember feeling guilty having to tell her about what was going on, as it was just a little over a year since the passing of her own mother from pancreatic cancer. I arranged to meet her at our friend Jean’s house, as a couple of our kids were there for a playdate. The call to my mom was difficult. When I told her it didn’t look good, she burst into sobs, and I remember apologizing to her for having to give her such bad news. I know I called Michael, but I really don’t remember the call or his reaction. I know I didn’t want to have to tell him such horrible news while he was at work.

Pulling up to Jean’s house is a memory I will not forget. Here were my kids, playing with their friends on what they thought was just another normal summer day, and I was trying so hard to hold it together and not scare them with what I just found out. Our lives were going to change, and I didn’t know what to tell them just yet. I didn’t want them to know anything was wrong until I had all the facts. Jean, Ashley and I stood on the sidewalk, hugging, crying, and talking about what I had been told and what I thought would happen next. They listened and cried with me. What would life be like without the blessing of such good friends?

I received a call from my OBGYN while I was there, and she was very concerned, but also so confident about what I would do next that it gave me strength. She apologized about the situation and wanted to know if I was ok to drive, if I needed anything to calm me down or help me sleep. She told me that I would probably see a breast surgeon, and I heard words like chemotherapy and radiation and surgery. We would wait for the biopsy results and she would be in touch.

My biopsy was the following day, Thursday, Aug 26. Michael came with me to the appointment, but had to stay in the waiting room during the procedure. The same radiologist who had delivered the bad news the day before was the one to perform the biopsy. Laying on a table in the dimly lit room and guided by ultrasound, they took multiple samples at each of the 3 mass locations. It was uncomfortable, the sound of the punch they used was loud and unnerving, like the shot of a gun. The anesthesia did not numb me all the way through and I felt one of the samples taken near the puckered part of my breast. It was the most pain I have ever felt – I had tears spill out of my eyes instantly, but was too ashamed to actually cry. They placed titanium markers in the 3 biopsied locations, and I then had to have another mammogram to make sure the markers could be seen. I was miserable, and couldn’t wait to go home. On the verge of sobs the entire time, the minute I saw my husband I was unable to hold back the tears any longer and I cried most of the way home. I was in severe pain for more than 6 hours after the biopsy because of that one sample. I was told I could only take Tylenol for the pain, and I knew that meant no relief for me.

It would be a waiting game for the next few days to get the results back from the biopsy, but for me my fate had already been sealed. I knew I had cancer.

The next few days were a blur for me. I have never been on the phone as much as we were those first few weeks. I remember calling my in-laws on Skype in Ireland to tell them the news. It was difficult to have that conversation when you could see their faces react to the news. The immediate outpouring of love and support from family and friends was amazing.

When I finally got the call with the biopsy results on Monday morning (August 30), it was slightly anticlimactic. The radiologist confirmed that all the samples were malignant. The next step was for me to get in to see the breast surgeon. It was the first day of school for my kids. In less than 1 week, I had had an exam, a mammogram, an ultrasound, a biopsy and confirmation that I had breast cancer. I didn’t even cry.